Dreaming of Michael

Dreams allow us to connect to our subconsciousness and can tell us so much. They can warn us about things to come and they can also point out areas in our lives we're working through and not yet reconciled. They can also be ways to remember. I've looked forward to Michael visiting me in my dreams, although he's really only visited me four times that I can remember. Unfortunately the dreams weren't exactly the type I had hope for, but they've all followed the same type of theme -- Michael's spirit has moved on, and I need to let him go.

The first dream I had was a couple weeks after he died. I had been trying to get in contact for him and was getting frustrated that he wasn't answering his phone or returning my messages. I felt like he was avoiding me. I called his mom and asked her to call him and tell him to call me. I was with my mom who was driving, and we decided to eat at a restaurant in a hotel just up the road. Mom missed the first entrance and was pulling into the second exit when I glanced across the street and saw Michael there in his black Fountain Square shirt we wear when we bartend. I told mom to stop and I ran across the road. Michael was with another guy. He acted surprised and taken aback to see me. He introduced me to the guy, and then I asked him why he hadn't returned my calls, which was the end of the dream.

The second dream happened a couple weeks ago. I was on a bus (not sure whether a school bus or charter bus), and we were running late to our destination. The driver finally stopped to drop me off. I got off the bus with my bags, and I saw Michael waiting to pick me up driving a minivan. I went over, opened the back, and threw my bags inside. Someone was sitting in the front passenger's seat, so I went to get in behind Michael. I opened the door and he drove away leaving me stand there. He didn't drive away though on the road. He drove down a wide walking path. As I watched him drive away, I also saw the bus drive down the road leaving me alone. I started running after the minivan on the walking path and trying to text him to come back and get me. I soon couldn't see the van any longer.

Last week I had the third dream. I was sitting in a booth at a restaurant with Ralph who was looking at his photos in his camera. He came across a picture of Michael. I asked about Michael and how he was doing. It seemed like we were no longer together, but Michael may still be alive. Ralph didn't answer my question, and I noticed in the picture that Michael had what looked like a green lettering tattoo on his forearm. I asked Ralph what that was all about, and he said it was just a fake tattoo. However he said on Michael's other forearm under a bandage he actually did have a new tattoo. About that time Ralph noticed something on the other side of the restaurant. Michael was sitting in a booth with Dave. Dave looked over at us but they didn't acknowledge us. I looked at Ralph, and he appeared like he wanted to go over there and join them, but yet he didn't want to leave me alone. That's all I remember.

A couple nights ago I had another dream. I was at a gay spa or sauna. I remember walking down the hall and seeing private rooms for massage and such. Gay men and lesbians were walking around in towels. I soon was sitting in a circular room that served like a laid-back cafe and lounge. Outside all around the building was a pool filled with gay men and lesbians. I was sitting in a chair facing the tinted windows looking out at the pool. My mom, dad, and another friend were with me, all facing toward me away from the window. All of a sudden, I looked out and saw Michael in the pool. He was looking at the window, but he couldn't see in because of the tinted glass. I jumped up startled and said, "There's Michael." I studied him to make sure, and he had the same glasses, haircut, and mole on his forehead. Everyone turned around, and they saw him too, and they agreed. We were all excited trying to get his attention, and finally, I told them to keep an eye on him and I was going outside to get him. That's when I woke up.

I look forward to a dream where Michael and I can just be together and not have any other people around -- like old times, but I also realize my dreams are probably telling me that Michael is gone and moved on and taken a part of me with him, and I must release him.