The Eulogy from Michael's Funeral

Michael Brian Williams

“Remembering Him”

October 20, 2010

The Rev. Jeffrey L. Bower+

Opening Sentences and Prayers (taken from the Book of Common Prayer)

A Reading from the Book of Ecclesiastes

Good Evening, it is an honor for me to be with you this evening to offer this celebration of praise and thanksgiving to God for the life of Michael Brian Williams.

Tonight we pause for a while to remember who he was and to honor his sacred story, a story that we all share and are entrusted to carry with us. We honor him with our presence as we remember him as life partner, son, grandson, brother, uncle, colleague and friend.

There is a rich Hebrew tradition which holds that a person’s life is of value and of worth if his story is carried forward in the lives of those who are left behind.

One author puts it this way, whether we know it or not we transmit the presence of everyone we have ever known as if by being in each others presence we pass on some of our life force and we go on carrying the other person with us. Not unlike springtime when certain plants in fields, like burrs, attach to our socks, our pants, our caps as if to say, “Go on, take us with you. Take us to root in another place.” This is how we continue long after we are gone and that is why it is so very important who we become, because we pass it on.”

And pass it on is precisely what Michael has done. He has given his story to us. He is no longer able to tell it, but we can, and in telling his story he continues to live in our hearts and minds forever, until that time when we join him and all those who have gone before us.

When I sat with Chad the other day in preparation for this evening’s service, I asked him to give me words that characterized Michael. He said, “warm, friendly, outgoing, infectious smile, unmistakable laugh, cook, bartender, hard-working, straight-forward, gardener, decorator, professional, hard-nosed, reliable, thoughtful, connected, entertainer, traveler, family, friends, inclusive, honest, supportive, happy.”

I could go on, but then again, so could each of you. In your individual experiences with Michael, I am sure that you each have particular words that come to mind. These words take us to places and times, shared activities and memories. They communicate to each of us the essence of who Michael was and how important everyday of life was to him. He lived his life in relationships with others and to the world around. He embraced life and more importantly, he shared it with others.

Chad said that after they met that Michael confided in him that he used to pray nightly to God that God would bring him someone special, preferably bald and hairy, and I will let you imagine the other attributes that Michael prayed for. Let’s just say, there is something to be said for “ask and you shall receive.”

He got Chad, and for the last nine years they have built a life together, adapting to each others idiosyncracies, staying connected always. They were happy together and when their lives stretched them in different directions and they had to be apart, they were intentional about talking daily and sharing with one another the events of each day. Chad recalls his long conversation with Brian on his way to Chicago this last week. They talked about how important they were to each other and expressed their love for one another. Chad, I hope you will replay that conversation many times in the days ahead.

Michael’s laugh and smile were infectious. It was one of the great attributes that Chad fell in love with in the early days of their life together.

Michael didn’t approach things with indifference. When he set his mind to something he did it and he did it in ways that only he could. He was a grand entertainer and loved having parties. Planning and preparation was always done with great care to ensure that all who came would have an evening to remember. Lighting, food, his famous dip(that Chad likened to Crack) gardening, cleaning the bathrooms…it didn’t matter if it had just been done…He would do it again. Chad said, “He was a little OCD.” You think?

He loved to decorate and work in the garden and he took great pride in creating a comfortable home for he and Chad and all who shared their lives. He loved introducing new plants to the yard and knew the names of everything he planted. He enjoyed finding the best prices and the perfect piece for each room whether it was art on the walls or tables or furniture to adorn a nook. He had an eye for detail and knew what worked and what just wouldn’t make the cut.

In his work he was dedicated and achieved excellence. One need only read some of the beautiful memories that have been posted on the Legacy website to know how important he was to those who had the privilege of working with him. He was professional, dedicated and always did whatever necessary to take care of his customers. He was reliable and honest.

He loved for people to enjoy themselves and whether at his home or bartending side-by-side with Chad, he was at his best when he could be involved in helping others to have a good time.

Michael and Chad had many opportunities to travel and to see the world. It was one of their great passions. Albuquerque, Santa Fe, San Francisco, Palm Springs, Montreal, South Florida, Provincetown, Brazil, Hawaii, a Mediterranean Cruise, Spain, Italy, Puerto Vallarta…are some of the myriad of places that they visited together. Chad describes their travels as magical.

Whenever they would talk about going somewhere as just idea, it quickly became more than a passing conversation. Michael was ready. He had the itinerary planned, knew where they would be staying, the restaurants where they would eat, and the many places that they would need to visit to have a fulfilling trip. Did you say he was OCD?

Chad recalled one of their trips to Montreal when it had been raining. In the village they would close off the street and there would be areas outside to sit in front of the restaurants. They were seated at this lovely restaurant and had been there for a few minutes, sitting under the canopy, staying out of the rain. They noticed a young woman who was working hard to drain the canopies. She was using a stick and holding up the canopy so the water would drain as the canopies were getting weighted down by all the water. About that time as she held the stick up to drain the canopy above them, the canopy collapsed and they were left soaking wet.

What might have otherwise been a ruined evening for most of us here, Michael saw as an opportunity to not take life so seriously. They laughed and joined another table of people whom they didn’t even know and enjoyed a truly memorable evening that Chad holds as one of the most memorable, yet funniest experiences in their shared lives.

Michael was very close to his family and loved his niece and nephews. He enjoyed teasing them, tickling them, giving them wedgies. His mother, Jane and he and recently got to spend time alone vacationing for a week together in New England.

He grew up near the St. Joe River and as a child played and swam in the river. He had fond memories of life on the river and spending time with his Aunt Karen.

Michael was a huge Notre Dame Football fan and was passionate about their games. He enjoyed going to professional events and at times he would go to events when Chad was referring just so that he could be with Chad and support him in his work.

Chad and Michael loved eating at new restaurants and trying different foods. They loved to shop together and enjoyed seeing the latest movies. Michael loved music and his favorite artist was Madonna. I’m told he saw her four times in concert, and the last time was in the fourth row. I love Madonna too....both of them!

He was looking forward to going with Chad to see Wicked. Something tells me, he will be there.

Michael’s life was devoted to his relationships with others. He lived his life everyday sharing his smile, his laugh, his love with the world who knew him. He was secure in his own skin and had no time for those who judged or erected barriers or projected their ethos on him.

And while Michael did not live his faith in the context of the institutional church, he lived his faith in the context of the world where he lived. He was not afraid to make a difference in the lives of others and was open to others making a difference in his life. He loved God and showed his love by loving others, unconditionally.

When I asked Chad what Michael would want to say to us tonight he said, “Love life. Live every moment. Appreciate and show those who are important to you what they mean to you. Go from here and know that I am with you always.”

Chad said that what he will miss most is Michael’s presence, his laugh, his smile, his love, knowing he is here. In his words he said, “I am sad he is gone. I miss him and will miss him, but also feel so blessed to have had 9 years. I have no regrets. We lived life to the fullest, together.”

Dear friends, most of us are from Indiana. We expect a change of seasons. It’s all around us. We scarcely are finished with one season and another is upon us. To a large extent we can plan for these changes. We buy clothes particular to each season and we hibernate during the cold and flee outside during the warmer times of the year. With some certainty, we can be ready for the seasons, winter, spring, summer, fall.

But nothing can prepare us for the season of change that we have experienced in the last week and with the loss of Michael. Be gentle on yourselves and acknowledge your loss and remember that when your grief wells up within you, know with certainty that Michael is with you. For that matter, we are only one breath away from him this evening. It really isn’t that far.

We would turn back time if we could, but you and I both know, that isn’t a reality for any of us. Even Cher couldn’t do that! God knows she's tried!

A new season has dawned for us and for Michael. “There is a season and a time for every matter under Heaven…there is a time to mourn and a time to dance.”

While we mourn, rest assured, that Michael dances the great dance of eternal life, a dance that we too will dance with him in that day when we like Michael are called to our eternal rest.

Rest eternal grant to him. Let light perpetual shine upon him. May his soul and the souls of all the departed through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen

A Little Too Crazy?

I've started to think about slowing getting rid of Michael's things. I've decided to start small like with his hair gel and socks, although I'm not really ready yet. I'm fortunate that we shared many of our clothes, so I've already decided that I'm going to keep most of the clothes we both wore. I'll just donate to a mission some of his pants and shoes that I didn't wear.

Tonight I wonder if I didn't go a little weird. With my braces, my toothbrush was showing its wear, so I looked in the hall cabinet for a new toothbrush. I couldn't find one. All of a sudden, I decided to use his toothbrush that had been sitting in the medicine cabinet for 14 1/2 weeks without being used since his death. I realize it's not the healthiest and hygienic choice I could have made, and probably a tad creepy. However, Ijust felt this urge to be closer to him. His toothbrush is about as close as I can get to him, and right now, that's what I need.

I still haven't gotten rid of his deodorant, his hair gel, his lotion, his cologne, or even his razor. His razor even still has little hairs in it. I'm just not ready to get rid of this stuff yet. Doing so and then opening a half empty medicine cabinet would be another constant reminder in the mornings and evenings. I know he's gone, but having some of this things around gives me a little comfort. Just like using his toothbrush.

Lonely Nights

Nighttime is the worst time. No matter whether I come home after reffing a game to a dark house or have been home, I miss Michael the most at night. I often meditate and read a little before going to bed and think about him. I have the picture from his 45th birthday party that Greg gave me on my bedside table. Many nights I pick it up and just stare at it, trying to look deep into his eyes one more time. I lose all track of time when doing this. I've stared at the picture for up to an hour just admiring his smile and looking into his eyes and wishing I could see them in person one more time.

The eyes are the windows to a person's soul, and anyone who knew Michael knew how welcoming his blue eyes were. He smiled at someone, looked them in the eyes, and you immediately felt comfortable being around him. Now all I have are pictures to remember those eyes. I'm just afraid I'll forget their gentleness, so I make sure I look at his picture every night before I go to bed.

After I turn off the lights, I'll often talk to Michael and imagine him still lying next to me. I place the pillows like he liked them and reach out in hopes of feeling his warm body. I miss him so much.

Thank You Michael

I've finally been able to wrap up some of the estate issues and have received the life insurance money. Getting it has been a big relief. I'm so grateful that Michael and I made sure each of us would be taken care of if anything were to ever happen to either of us.

With the money I can refinance the house to a very manageable monthly payment as well as pay off the HELOC. We had paid off all our credit cards, so we have no other debt (except for my car payment). I can put the rest in savings.

My counselor asked me if there was anything I was going to give myself as sort of a "thank you" gift to Michael -- something I can constantly remember him by. I said that I actually did have something. I've decided to get braces. I've always been self conscious of my crooked bottom teeth although my top teeth aren't bad. Michael was always obsessed about teeth on people. I don't know how many times we'd first meet someone, and the very first thing he would say was something about that person's grill. I often reminded him that many people weren't blessed to have the perfect teeth that he did. He had one cavity in his 45 years of life and would only get his teeth cleaned once a year. His smile was a site to see -- something I miss.

I've always wanted straighter teeth, so now I can get them. I got the top brackets put on this week and will get the bottom brackets put on next week and the actual wires. The dentist said I will need to wear them for 18-24 months. When I'm done, I'll have a smile that will remind me of him everytime I shine my pearly whites. Thank you Michael. I love you.

Dreaming of Michael

Dreams allow us to connect to our subconsciousness and can tell us so much. They can warn us about things to come and they can also point out areas in our lives we're working through and not yet reconciled. They can also be ways to remember. I've looked forward to Michael visiting me in my dreams, although he's really only visited me four times that I can remember. Unfortunately the dreams weren't exactly the type I had hope for, but they've all followed the same type of theme -- Michael's spirit has moved on, and I need to let him go.

The first dream I had was a couple weeks after he died. I had been trying to get in contact for him and was getting frustrated that he wasn't answering his phone or returning my messages. I felt like he was avoiding me. I called his mom and asked her to call him and tell him to call me. I was with my mom who was driving, and we decided to eat at a restaurant in a hotel just up the road. Mom missed the first entrance and was pulling into the second exit when I glanced across the street and saw Michael there in his black Fountain Square shirt we wear when we bartend. I told mom to stop and I ran across the road. Michael was with another guy. He acted surprised and taken aback to see me. He introduced me to the guy, and then I asked him why he hadn't returned my calls, which was the end of the dream.

The second dream happened a couple weeks ago. I was on a bus (not sure whether a school bus or charter bus), and we were running late to our destination. The driver finally stopped to drop me off. I got off the bus with my bags, and I saw Michael waiting to pick me up driving a minivan. I went over, opened the back, and threw my bags inside. Someone was sitting in the front passenger's seat, so I went to get in behind Michael. I opened the door and he drove away leaving me stand there. He didn't drive away though on the road. He drove down a wide walking path. As I watched him drive away, I also saw the bus drive down the road leaving me alone. I started running after the minivan on the walking path and trying to text him to come back and get me. I soon couldn't see the van any longer.

Last week I had the third dream. I was sitting in a booth at a restaurant with Ralph who was looking at his photos in his camera. He came across a picture of Michael. I asked about Michael and how he was doing. It seemed like we were no longer together, but Michael may still be alive. Ralph didn't answer my question, and I noticed in the picture that Michael had what looked like a green lettering tattoo on his forearm. I asked Ralph what that was all about, and he said it was just a fake tattoo. However he said on Michael's other forearm under a bandage he actually did have a new tattoo. About that time Ralph noticed something on the other side of the restaurant. Michael was sitting in a booth with Dave. Dave looked over at us but they didn't acknowledge us. I looked at Ralph, and he appeared like he wanted to go over there and join them, but yet he didn't want to leave me alone. That's all I remember.

A couple nights ago I had another dream. I was at a gay spa or sauna. I remember walking down the hall and seeing private rooms for massage and such. Gay men and lesbians were walking around in towels. I soon was sitting in a circular room that served like a laid-back cafe and lounge. Outside all around the building was a pool filled with gay men and lesbians. I was sitting in a chair facing the tinted windows looking out at the pool. My mom, dad, and another friend were with me, all facing toward me away from the window. All of a sudden, I looked out and saw Michael in the pool. He was looking at the window, but he couldn't see in because of the tinted glass. I jumped up startled and said, "There's Michael." I studied him to make sure, and he had the same glasses, haircut, and mole on his forehead. Everyone turned around, and they saw him too, and they agreed. We were all excited trying to get his attention, and finally, I told them to keep an eye on him and I was going outside to get him. That's when I woke up.

I look forward to a dream where Michael and I can just be together and not have any other people around -- like old times, but I also realize my dreams are probably telling me that Michael is gone and moved on and taken a part of me with him, and I must release him.

The Little Things

I have come to a painful realization with Michael's death. I didn't realize how much I could miss a person. Michael and I shared nearly nine years together. Some naysayers thought we'd never make it past a couple years, which wasn't an all together crazy guess. In some aspects we were total opposites: He was outgoing around strangers while I'm more introverted, He was obsessed about cleanliness, while a little clutter for a few days never bothered me. He had a fine detail for design, making our house truly a masterpiece, while I was stuck in a bachelor's apartment mindset. He could nurture and create a beautiful garden, and I couldn't even keep a cactus without killing it.

However we had so much in common too. Our love of family and friends, good food, movies, traveling, football, shopping, bartending, and more. What made our relationship work for those nine years was our understanding of having some independence in our relationship. We each had our own interests and friends, and we also had the understanding that we were in this together and knew where we would be each night -- asleep next to each other. We got each other. I actually only remember two significant arguments during those nine years and only one small threat of a break-up back around year three.

What I miss the most though are the little things. I miss softly touching the little mole he had on his forehead. I miss rolling over in the middle of the night and hearing his breathing (and even sometimes his snoring). I miss watching him stand at the bathroom sink and shave. I miss sitting next to him on the couch sharing a blanket and watching HGTV and Food Network. I miss trying to touch his belly button -- something he never let me do in the nine years together. I miss softly tickling his back at night to help him fall asleep. I miss playing practical jokes on him and waiting for his reaction. I miss going to Steer In with him and having our Sunday morning breakfast in Christy or Cassandra's section. I miss telling him "to turn it off" and shut down his whirling thoughts so he could go to sleep. I miss his gentle and generous spirit where he would often give to friends and family who were going through rough times. I miss teasing him about the occasional stray ear hair (after my constant nagging, he would sometimes let me pull it, but I'd only get one attempt). I miss watching him in mode as he prepared for one of our parties where everything had to be just right. I miss him being able to finish my sentences and thoughts and knowing what I was going to do before I even did it many times. I miss hearing his laughter -- the one thing that immediately drew me to him when we first started dating. We would talk nightly while I lived in Bloomington and he in Indy, and I remember how his laughter was so comforting and such a beautiful sound. I miss so much about him.

One thing I miss the most is seeing him every night when I came home after a game. The back light would be on, and I'd walk into the house and hear him laughing while sitting on the couch wrapped up in a blanket watching TV. He would often greet me with a hug or kiss, and we'd check in on each other's day. We'd sit next to each other, sometimes not even talking, just being there. Sometimes we wouldn't even be in the same room. I'd be online checking Facebook or email, and he'd be in watching TV, and I'd hear him laugh or talk to the TV. We were comfortable and safe knowing each other was close by. Coming home to a quiet dark home reminds me every day that he's gone.

What I miss the most though isn't little. I miss his smile. Michael had the biggest and warmest smile I've ever seen. He'd walk into a room and instantly brighten the mood. He'd soon have people laughing and having a great time. His smile was so inviting; on our travels, his smile helped introduce us to countless people who have since become lifelong friends. At parties in town his smile would bring people together. I'd do anything to see that smile in person again. I will never forget his smile; I take a little bit of that smile and his laughter with me now when I'm in social situations to make myself just a little more outgoing in uncomfortable situations.

I must try and make some sense of his death and my loss. I've lost my best friend, my confidante, my lover, my muse, and my soulmate. One day he was here smiling  and being a joyful man who everyone loved, and in an instant, he was gone. I'm left with all the memories of the big and little things I miss about him.

Countering Stress and Depression

I read this today on Facebook and had to share it on here because it is SO relevant. What wise words from the Dalai Lama.


At a fundamental level, as human beings, we are all the same; each one of us aspires to happiness and each one of us does not wish to suffer. This is why, whenever I have the opportunity, I try to draw people's attention to what as members of the human family we have in common and the deeply interconnected nature of our existence and welfare.

Today, there is increasing recognition, as well as a growing body of scientific evidence, that confirms the close connection between our own states of mind and our happiness. On the one hand, many of us live in societies that are very developed materially, yet among us are many people who are not very happy. Just underneath the beautiful surface of affluence there is a kind of mental unrest, leading to frustration, unnecessary quarrels, reliance on drugs or alcohol, and in the worst case, suicide. There is no guarantee that wealth alone can give you the joy or fulfilment that you seek. The same can be said of your friends too. When you are in an intense state of anger or hatred, even a very close friend appears to you as somehow frosty, or cold, distant, and annoying.

However, as human beings we are gifted with this wonderful human intelligence. Besides that, all human beings have the capacity to be very determined and to direct that strong sense of determination in whatever direction they like. So long as we remember that we have this marvellous gift of human intelligence and a capacity to develop determination and use it in positive ways, we will preserve our underlying mental health. Realizing we have this great human potential gives us a fundamental strength. This recognition can act as a mechanism that enables us to deal with any difficulty, no matter what situation we are facing, without losing hope or sinking into feelings of low self-esteem.

I write this as someone who lost his freedom at the age of 16, then lost his country at the age of 24. Consequently, I have lived in exile for more than 50 years during which we Tibetans have dedicated ourselves to keeping the Tibetan identity alive and preserving our culture and values. On most days the news from Tibet is heartbreaking, and yet none of these challenges gives grounds for giving up. One of the approaches that I personally find useful is to cultivate the thought: If the situation or problem is such that it can be remedied, then there is no need to worry about it. In other words, if there is a solution or a way out of the difficulty, you do not need to be overwhelmed by it. The appropriate action is to seek its solution. Then it is clearly more sensible to spend your energy focussing on the solution rather than worrying about the problem. Alternatively, if there is no solution, no possibility of resolution, then there is also no point in being worried about it, because you cannot do anything about it anyway. In that case, the sooner you accept this fact, the easier it will be for you. This formula, of course, implies directly confronting the problem and taking a realistic view. Otherwise you will be unable to find out whether or not there is a resolution to the problem

Taking a realistic view and cultivating a proper motivation can also shield you against feelings of fear and anxiety. If you develop a pure and sincere motivation, if you are motivated by a wish to help on the basis of kindness, compassion, and respect, then you can carry on any kind of work, in any field, and function more effectively with less fear or worry, not being afraid of what others think or whether you ultimately will be successful in reaching your goal. Even if you fail to achieve your goal, you can feel good about having made the effort. But with a bad motivation, people can praise you or you can achieve goals, but you still will not be happy.

Again, we may sometimes feel that our whole lives are unsatisfactory, we feel on the point of being overwhelmed by the difficulties that confront us. This happens to us all in varying degrees from time to time. When this occurs, it is vital that we make every effort to find a way of lifting our spirits. We can do this by recollecting our good fortune. We may, for example, be loved by someone; we may have certain talents; we may have received a good education; we may have our basic needs provided for - food to eat, clothes to wear, somewhere to live - we may have performed certain altruistic deeds in the past. We must take into consideration even the slightest positive aspect of our lives. For if we fail to find some way of uplifting ourselves, there is every danger of sinking further into our sense of powerlessness. This can lead us to believe that we have no capacity for doing good whatsoever. Thus we create the conditions of despair itself.

As a Buddhist monk I have learned that what principally upsets our inner peace is what we call disturbing emotions.  All those thoughts, emotions, and mental events which reflect a negative or uncompassionate state of mind inevitably undermine our experience of inner peace. All our negative thoughts and emotions - such as hatred, anger, pride, lust, greed, envy, and so on - are considered to be sources of difficulty, to be disturbing. Negative thoughts and emotions are what obstruct our most basic aspiration - to be happy and to avoid suffering. When we act under their influence, we become oblivious to the impact our actions have on others: they are thus the cause of our destructive behaviour both toward others and to ourselves. Murder, scandal, and deceit all have their origin in disturbing emotions.

This inevitably gives rise to the question - can we train the mind? There are many methods by which to do this. Among these, in the Buddhist tradition, is a special instruction called mind training, which focuses on cultivating concern for others and turning adversity to advantage. It is this pattern of thought, transforming problems into happiness that has enabled the Tibetan people to maintain their dignity and spirit in the face of great difficulties. Indeed I have found this advice of great practical benefit in my own life.

A great Tibetan teacher of mind training once remarked that one of the mind’s most marvellous qualities is that it can be transformed. I have no doubt that those who attempt to transform their minds, overcome their disturbing emotions and achieve a sense of inner peace, will, over a period of time, notice a change in their mental attitudes and responses to people and events. Their minds will become more disciplined and positive. And I am sure they will find their own sense of happiness grow as they contribute to the greater happiness of others. I offer my prayers that everyone who makes this their goal will be blessed with success.


The Dalai Lama

December 31, 2010

Published in the Hindustan Times, India, on January 3rd, 2011

To Deal with Loss: Live Life

If you've ever lost a spouse or life partner, you can agree with me that you've probably never experienced such pain before. You exist in a daze for the first few weeks not knowing what time it is or where you're going. In fact, you don't even care. Many times you want to wrap yourself up in a blanket and stop existing. Perhaps that will stop the pain. You feel as if a 30-pound child is sitting right on your chest. The pain and pressure is almost too much to bear at times. Weeks later the shock wears off, but you still feel a dull ache in your chest -- like something has been ripped out of you, only leaving a gaping hole.

I had a big part of my heart ripped out the morning of October 16. I was in a Chicago suburb reffing a two-day collegiate volleyball tourney. I had gotten ready and headed down to the lobby to have some breakfast when I turned on my phone when it literally exploded with about nine voicemail messages and six text messages. I listened to the first message, which was from our neighbor Nancy when she called at about 11:30 the night before. I could tell from her voice something was wrong. I hung up before listening to the other eight voicemails and called Michael's phone. It rang and rang and rang and finally went to his voicemail. When he didn't answer, my mind started to race: Had he been in an automobile accident? Had someone broken into the house? Had he been arrested?

The second message was from Ralph, so I called him back. That's when he told me that Michael had collapsed the night before at home and had died from what looked like a heart attack. No matter how old I get, I will never forget that moment. I shrunk down into a chair and sobbed. What happened? A heart attack? At 45? You can't be serious, I said.

Now 11.5 weeks later, I look at my short journey without Michael. With my counseling, reading and meditating, I have learned one valuable lesson to help with the suffering. Despite how much I miss him, I will honor him and our life together and the best nine years of my life, and I will breathe one breath at a time.

Although his sudden death is a tragedy and brings incredible suffering, I can't dwell on it and I won't dwell on it. Instead I choose to focus on all the good memories and the love we shared. I continue to live life to the fullest every single moment, just like we did. I don't honor him or do myself any justice by dwelling on his death and the suffering. Today's meditation brings this home for me: "Yesterday is not, tomorrow is not, but today, bright with hope and filled with promise, is mine. Today I live."

The reality is I can't turn back time. Michael is gone. I am still here. I can make it -- one day at a time. I choose to be among the living. If you've experienced loss, you may want to give up. I challenge you: "LIVE" your life.

2011 -- a New Year

With 2011 here, I've decided to start a blog and designate this space as a place where I can share my feelings and thoughts as I grieve Michael and create a new life for myself. In the past I've been using Facebook sort of as my online therapy, but I wanted a place where I could remember my soul mate and honor him. I consider this new blog, which by the way I never thought I would blog, as a therapeutic way to share with friends and family who are interested in reading about my process. I hope my words can serve whatever way you need them -- whether to provide you a little comfort, to remember a funny story about Michael, or to just know that I'm working through this process. Some days are good and some aren't so good, but I know that I am a strong and capable person, and I have the courage to work through this grief.

New Year's Eve night was actually quite a difficult day for me. During the past couple weeks I had been doing well. I've been reading a lot, journaling, meditating, going to counseling, and taking care of my emotional health. However when the clock struck 12, I had a significant rush of emotion while at Kevin and Neil's party. I hadn't really broken down like that for about a month. I hugged many dear friends and just cried. I miss Michael so much and wanted him there with me in the worst way. It's been 11 weeks now since he died, and I'd do anything just to have one more day with him. I felt such an emptiness at that moment. After crying for a good 15 minutes, I calmed down and stayed nearby close friends.

New Year's Day was hard as well. I hosted the Stuver Christmas at my house, so had about 18 people here. It was so good to see everyone, but it was the first major social event (other than having a few friends over) I had hosted at the house without Michael. His eye for detail and his boisterous laugh were missing. I had to escape upstairs for about 20 minutes to just be alone and cry a bit.

In this new year, I know the moments of sadness are a normal part of the grief process. I have one resolution: To focus on the good in everyone and everything, something which Michael did quite well. I will continue to work through my grief, day by day, and keep him close to my heart.