2011 -- a New Year

With 2011 here, I've decided to start a blog and designate this space as a place where I can share my feelings and thoughts as I grieve Michael and create a new life for myself. In the past I've been using Facebook sort of as my online therapy, but I wanted a place where I could remember my soul mate and honor him. I consider this new blog, which by the way I never thought I would blog, as a therapeutic way to share with friends and family who are interested in reading about my process. I hope my words can serve whatever way you need them -- whether to provide you a little comfort, to remember a funny story about Michael, or to just know that I'm working through this process. Some days are good and some aren't so good, but I know that I am a strong and capable person, and I have the courage to work through this grief.

New Year's Eve night was actually quite a difficult day for me. During the past couple weeks I had been doing well. I've been reading a lot, journaling, meditating, going to counseling, and taking care of my emotional health. However when the clock struck 12, I had a significant rush of emotion while at Kevin and Neil's party. I hadn't really broken down like that for about a month. I hugged many dear friends and just cried. I miss Michael so much and wanted him there with me in the worst way. It's been 11 weeks now since he died, and I'd do anything just to have one more day with him. I felt such an emptiness at that moment. After crying for a good 15 minutes, I calmed down and stayed nearby close friends.

New Year's Day was hard as well. I hosted the Stuver Christmas at my house, so had about 18 people here. It was so good to see everyone, but it was the first major social event (other than having a few friends over) I had hosted at the house without Michael. His eye for detail and his boisterous laugh were missing. I had to escape upstairs for about 20 minutes to just be alone and cry a bit.

In this new year, I know the moments of sadness are a normal part of the grief process. I have one resolution: To focus on the good in everyone and everything, something which Michael did quite well. I will continue to work through my grief, day by day, and keep him close to my heart.