Perhaps curiousity killed the cat. Or perhaps it helped the cat to feel a bit closer to friends and family. I'm curious to know what you were doing when you heard that Michael had died. Hearing stories of how people found out about about his death, for some reason, are important to me. I've asked many friends what they were doing and how they felt when he died. I'd like for you to share them with me now in the comments. The stories just remind me how he impacted so many people's lives. Sharing our feelings can help us all heal.
So go ahead and make a comment. I dare you.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
A Look Back to the Days Before and After Oct. 15
Many people have asked me over the last several months what exactly happened, so I wanted to make an entry about the last days before and after Michael's death.
The evening of Oct. 13 was the last evening we shared together. I came home after reffing the Cathedral/Brebeuf volleyball match. We spent the evening like we usually did, watching a little TV, talking, and messing around on Facebook. It seemed like every other evening. Little did I know it would be the last night I would spend with him.
Michael was unemployed, having lost his job about six weeks prior when Arrow Electronics closed the Indy office and laid off him and another 100 or so workers. I arose on Oct. 14 and went to work. That evening I reffed the Lutheran and Ritter volleyball match and then headed directly to Chicago where I was to work the GLVC/GLIAC volleyball Crossover tourney (the highest level of volleyball I've ever worked). Michael had done something the evening before that bothered me a bit, so on my way up to Chicago, I called him.
I vividly remember our conversation as I waited in the drive-thru at Starbucks in Lebanon. I told him that what he had done bothered me and I felt upset about it. He immediately apologized and said doing so wasn't his intention at all. He hadn't realized that what he had done bothered me, and he said that he couldn't imagine his life without me. He told me that he loved me and was sorry if he had upset me. I told him that I loved him, and we talked candidly for a few minutes about our relationship. In fact, we told things to each other that people don't tell each other in everyday conversation. I regularly replay that conversation in my head and am grateful that we shared then.
That evening he went to The Vogue with Priscilla and Angie, two friends that we work with at Fountain Square Theatre, to hear a famous DJ. When I awoke the next morning, I had a lovely message from him that I wished I would have saved. He told me that he had a wonderful time with them. He again apologized and told me that he loved me. He said he was tired and was going to sleep in and the next day he planned on going with Mary Beth and her friend to the Covered Bridge Festival in Rockville.
I had a great day at the volleyball tourney on Friday and worked some highly competitive matches. I worked the No. 7 ranked team vs. the No. 19 ranked team in NCAA Div II and had a blast. I felt like I was finally being noticed and felt optimistic about moving up in the college ranks. Michael and I exchanged a few text messages during the day where he said he was tired. Later that evening on my way to grab a bite to eat, we talked the last time we ever would for about 5-10 minutes. I told him how well the day had gone, and he told me that he was so proud of me. He said that he tried to sleep and called Mary Beth he was too tired to go to the festival. He also planned on going out with a couple friends, but decided to stay in and watch a movie because he was tired. I later found out that he collapsed about 30 minutes after we hung up.
I had originally planned on staying the Saturday night in Chicago, but he asked if I would come home, and I said I would. He told me that he loved me and we said goodbye. After eating I went back to the hotel room and turned me phone off. I was exhausted and didn't want to be bothered. I read for a few minutes and then went to sleep.Little did I know that while I was walking back to the hotel and reading before bed that paramedics were probably working on him and trying to save his life.
The next morning I awoke, took a shower, and went downstairs to the lobby of the Hilton Garden Inn for breakfast with Karl, another volleyball ref. As I got off the elevator, I turned on my phone, and it literally exploded. I had like nine voicemail messages and a handful of texts. I immediately knew something had happened. The first message was from Nancy, our neighbor, and she said that I needed to call her as soon as I got this message. Her voice sounded a little strained. The second message was from Ralph who said that I needed to call him.
Before I listened to any more voicemail messages, I called Michael. I had images of him being in a car accident and in the hospital or even arrested for something stupid like DUI. His phone rang and rang, and he didn't pick up. I immediately called Ralph, and while standing in the lobby of the hotel, he told me that Michael had collapsed the night before and died from a heart attack.
I sunk into a chair and started sobbing. What? Huh? No!!! I had just talked to him last evening and he was fine. He was 45. How could a fairly healthy young man like that just die? Ralph told me that he, Jocelyn, and Bill were going to drive up to get me, so I went back to Karl and told him that Michael, my partner, had died the night before. I fell sobbing into his shoulder, and he hugged me back and said he would take care of everything with the tourney.
I went back to my hotel room and tried to do anything but think about Michael. I got back into bed, cried, thought, and cried some more. I put on some mindless TV to try and get my mind on something else, but to no avail. The night before I had called a hometown friend, Amanda, who happens to live in Aurora to see if she could come over for a drink. She wasn't home so I left a message. I can't remember if I called her again or she called me back, but we connected, and she said she would come over.
Amanda arrived and about two minutes later Ralph, Jocelyn, and Bill arrived. I hadn't seen Amanda in years, and she gave me a big hug and was very lovely. She and her family even sent flowers to Michael's service, although she had never met him. Bill left, and Jocelyn and Ralph drove my car back. Ralph had Michael's phone, and he said it had rang this morning when I called. They told me they had a fit trying to locate the hotel I was staying at to get into touch with me.
I discovered that many people already knew of Michael's death before I did. News flies fast, but Ralph and others had asked people not to post anything to Facebook until I found out. Jocelyn drove, and I asked Ralph what had happened.
Michael's friend Mike from Terre Haute was at the house after having returned our power washer. Ralph was going to come over, and the three of them were going to go out. Michael was feeling tired, so he suggested they stay in and watch a movie and drink at home. Ralph hadn't arrive to the house yet, but Michael went to take a shower. He finished showering and went into the bedroom to get dressed. He had on a pair of jeans, socks, and a belt. He collapsed in the doorway of the bedroom landing face first in the upstairs landing.
Mike was downstairs and heard Michael collapse. He ran upstairs and started yelling for him to get up. He was yelling so loud that Skip and Nancy heard the yelling next door. Mike called 911 and soon the front of the house was lined with police and the ambulance. Nancy said she was out front and asked an officer what had happened, and he said someone had collapsed in the home. She asked if it was me or Michael, and the officer said Michael.
Inside the paramedics worked for more than 30 minutes trying to revive Michael. They never were able to get him back. Mike had called Ralph who was on his way over. Ralph called Michael O'Neal and Ryan who quickly came over. The paramedics didn't allow anyone upstairs except for Michael who works for Wishard Hospital. He told me they did everything they could for Michael. Later Michael showed me where Michael had collapsed. (I sometimes lie down on the floor right next to that spot and hope he was at peace and didn't feel any pain.)
Over the next couple of hours, they all spent trying to find me since I wasn't answering my phone. Jocelyn said she had called Michael's mom and told her. I actually don't remember much of the drive back except for calling some people in Michael's phone.
We got to the house and the next couple days are a blur. I remember lots of people coming over and at times I felt like it wasn't real. We were standing in the kitchen talking just like Michael and I had done with friends many times before. It just felt like he was upstairs getting dressed or out to the store and would be home any minute.
Planning the service was a surreal experience, and I'm grateful that Michael's mom followed Michael's wishes and let me plan everything. The visitation and funeral were a testament to his life. More than 400 people showed up from all walks of his life to express their love.
The deputy coroner told me and his mom that Michael had collapsed and probably died instantly. The initial cause of death he said was a massive heart attack. Weeks later when I finally got the final autopsy report and death certificate confirmed that Michael died from hypertensive cardial blah, blah -- aka a heart attack.
Nearly 5 1/2 months later and I'm focusing on finding a new normalcy in my life. I am grateful for the good in my life. I know having compassion toward others and showing gratitude will help me heal. However a part of me still can't believe he's really gone.
The evening of Oct. 13 was the last evening we shared together. I came home after reffing the Cathedral/Brebeuf volleyball match. We spent the evening like we usually did, watching a little TV, talking, and messing around on Facebook. It seemed like every other evening. Little did I know it would be the last night I would spend with him.
Michael was unemployed, having lost his job about six weeks prior when Arrow Electronics closed the Indy office and laid off him and another 100 or so workers. I arose on Oct. 14 and went to work. That evening I reffed the Lutheran and Ritter volleyball match and then headed directly to Chicago where I was to work the GLVC/GLIAC volleyball Crossover tourney (the highest level of volleyball I've ever worked). Michael had done something the evening before that bothered me a bit, so on my way up to Chicago, I called him.
I vividly remember our conversation as I waited in the drive-thru at Starbucks in Lebanon. I told him that what he had done bothered me and I felt upset about it. He immediately apologized and said doing so wasn't his intention at all. He hadn't realized that what he had done bothered me, and he said that he couldn't imagine his life without me. He told me that he loved me and was sorry if he had upset me. I told him that I loved him, and we talked candidly for a few minutes about our relationship. In fact, we told things to each other that people don't tell each other in everyday conversation. I regularly replay that conversation in my head and am grateful that we shared then.
That evening he went to The Vogue with Priscilla and Angie, two friends that we work with at Fountain Square Theatre, to hear a famous DJ. When I awoke the next morning, I had a lovely message from him that I wished I would have saved. He told me that he had a wonderful time with them. He again apologized and told me that he loved me. He said he was tired and was going to sleep in and the next day he planned on going with Mary Beth and her friend to the Covered Bridge Festival in Rockville.
I had a great day at the volleyball tourney on Friday and worked some highly competitive matches. I worked the No. 7 ranked team vs. the No. 19 ranked team in NCAA Div II and had a blast. I felt like I was finally being noticed and felt optimistic about moving up in the college ranks. Michael and I exchanged a few text messages during the day where he said he was tired. Later that evening on my way to grab a bite to eat, we talked the last time we ever would for about 5-10 minutes. I told him how well the day had gone, and he told me that he was so proud of me. He said that he tried to sleep and called Mary Beth he was too tired to go to the festival. He also planned on going out with a couple friends, but decided to stay in and watch a movie because he was tired. I later found out that he collapsed about 30 minutes after we hung up.
I had originally planned on staying the Saturday night in Chicago, but he asked if I would come home, and I said I would. He told me that he loved me and we said goodbye. After eating I went back to the hotel room and turned me phone off. I was exhausted and didn't want to be bothered. I read for a few minutes and then went to sleep.Little did I know that while I was walking back to the hotel and reading before bed that paramedics were probably working on him and trying to save his life.
The next morning I awoke, took a shower, and went downstairs to the lobby of the Hilton Garden Inn for breakfast with Karl, another volleyball ref. As I got off the elevator, I turned on my phone, and it literally exploded. I had like nine voicemail messages and a handful of texts. I immediately knew something had happened. The first message was from Nancy, our neighbor, and she said that I needed to call her as soon as I got this message. Her voice sounded a little strained. The second message was from Ralph who said that I needed to call him.
Before I listened to any more voicemail messages, I called Michael. I had images of him being in a car accident and in the hospital or even arrested for something stupid like DUI. His phone rang and rang, and he didn't pick up. I immediately called Ralph, and while standing in the lobby of the hotel, he told me that Michael had collapsed the night before and died from a heart attack.
I sunk into a chair and started sobbing. What? Huh? No!!! I had just talked to him last evening and he was fine. He was 45. How could a fairly healthy young man like that just die? Ralph told me that he, Jocelyn, and Bill were going to drive up to get me, so I went back to Karl and told him that Michael, my partner, had died the night before. I fell sobbing into his shoulder, and he hugged me back and said he would take care of everything with the tourney.
I went back to my hotel room and tried to do anything but think about Michael. I got back into bed, cried, thought, and cried some more. I put on some mindless TV to try and get my mind on something else, but to no avail. The night before I had called a hometown friend, Amanda, who happens to live in Aurora to see if she could come over for a drink. She wasn't home so I left a message. I can't remember if I called her again or she called me back, but we connected, and she said she would come over.
Amanda arrived and about two minutes later Ralph, Jocelyn, and Bill arrived. I hadn't seen Amanda in years, and she gave me a big hug and was very lovely. She and her family even sent flowers to Michael's service, although she had never met him. Bill left, and Jocelyn and Ralph drove my car back. Ralph had Michael's phone, and he said it had rang this morning when I called. They told me they had a fit trying to locate the hotel I was staying at to get into touch with me.
I discovered that many people already knew of Michael's death before I did. News flies fast, but Ralph and others had asked people not to post anything to Facebook until I found out. Jocelyn drove, and I asked Ralph what had happened.
Michael's friend Mike from Terre Haute was at the house after having returned our power washer. Ralph was going to come over, and the three of them were going to go out. Michael was feeling tired, so he suggested they stay in and watch a movie and drink at home. Ralph hadn't arrive to the house yet, but Michael went to take a shower. He finished showering and went into the bedroom to get dressed. He had on a pair of jeans, socks, and a belt. He collapsed in the doorway of the bedroom landing face first in the upstairs landing.
Mike was downstairs and heard Michael collapse. He ran upstairs and started yelling for him to get up. He was yelling so loud that Skip and Nancy heard the yelling next door. Mike called 911 and soon the front of the house was lined with police and the ambulance. Nancy said she was out front and asked an officer what had happened, and he said someone had collapsed in the home. She asked if it was me or Michael, and the officer said Michael.
Inside the paramedics worked for more than 30 minutes trying to revive Michael. They never were able to get him back. Mike had called Ralph who was on his way over. Ralph called Michael O'Neal and Ryan who quickly came over. The paramedics didn't allow anyone upstairs except for Michael who works for Wishard Hospital. He told me they did everything they could for Michael. Later Michael showed me where Michael had collapsed. (I sometimes lie down on the floor right next to that spot and hope he was at peace and didn't feel any pain.)
Over the next couple of hours, they all spent trying to find me since I wasn't answering my phone. Jocelyn said she had called Michael's mom and told her. I actually don't remember much of the drive back except for calling some people in Michael's phone.
We got to the house and the next couple days are a blur. I remember lots of people coming over and at times I felt like it wasn't real. We were standing in the kitchen talking just like Michael and I had done with friends many times before. It just felt like he was upstairs getting dressed or out to the store and would be home any minute.
Planning the service was a surreal experience, and I'm grateful that Michael's mom followed Michael's wishes and let me plan everything. The visitation and funeral were a testament to his life. More than 400 people showed up from all walks of his life to express their love.
The deputy coroner told me and his mom that Michael had collapsed and probably died instantly. The initial cause of death he said was a massive heart attack. Weeks later when I finally got the final autopsy report and death certificate confirmed that Michael died from hypertensive cardial blah, blah -- aka a heart attack.
Nearly 5 1/2 months later and I'm focusing on finding a new normalcy in my life. I am grateful for the good in my life. I know having compassion toward others and showing gratitude will help me heal. However a part of me still can't believe he's really gone.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
20 Weeks
Michael passed away 20 weeks ago last night, and I can't believe it's already been five months. I'm resilient, but I miss him like I can't express in words. I had a couple days this past week that were especially difficult. On Tuesday I just couldn't get out of bed, and my heart ached all day. I'm not sure what set it off. I just woke up and didn't want to do anything. It was no special day for us, and yet I just couldn't function.
I yearn to see him again and at times can't believe he's gone. It just seems like the worst nightmare I've ever experienced and hope I'll wake up soon with him beside me in bed. I can lie my head on his shoulder, feel his beard, touch his lips, and breathe in his smell. I can't find anymore of his smell in the house. I've smelled his clothes, shoes, coats, and so forth, and nothing. I know he's gone, but what I would do for just one more tangible connection.
The past couple days have been better. I focus on the good I have in my life -- my friends and family, my job, my health, my home, and so forth. Although I am learning to find a new future and new normalcy for myself, I still keep Michael close to my heart.
I yearn to see him again and at times can't believe he's gone. It just seems like the worst nightmare I've ever experienced and hope I'll wake up soon with him beside me in bed. I can lie my head on his shoulder, feel his beard, touch his lips, and breathe in his smell. I can't find anymore of his smell in the house. I've smelled his clothes, shoes, coats, and so forth, and nothing. I know he's gone, but what I would do for just one more tangible connection.
The past couple days have been better. I focus on the good I have in my life -- my friends and family, my job, my health, my home, and so forth. Although I am learning to find a new future and new normalcy for myself, I still keep Michael close to my heart.
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