I haven't posted anything for quite some time because July 29 I became self-employed. Since then I've been working my butt off! Some people ask why I decided to make a move to become a freelance editor. Much of it has to do with Michael. One lesson that his death taught me is to live my life for me. Why do we work like dogs for someone else for 30-40 years to save for this retirement that we're not even guaranteed to reach? I decided I'm going to work for myself and live and do what I want to do.
As a result, I hope to travel more because I can work wherever I have online access. I hope to visit friends and stay with them. I can work during the day when they're at work and then in the evenings spend time with them. I also want to go to Australia and Europe for extended trips.
Early on I've been working like a mad man because I wanted to make sure I had enough clients to keep me busy and pay my bills. I see that will be no problem. I would be remiss without saying that as grateful I am to have this experience, I'm definitely bittersweet because Michael's death allowed me this opportunity. With the life insurance policy, I haven't had to worry about paying bills while I've started my business.
Right now, as I write this, I pause. At this time exactly 11 months ago Michael died. I'm sitting in my office/spare bedroom and can look out into the landing and see the spot where he died. I've been able to find a new normalcy in life, but I also miss him terribly. Even after 11 months, I sometimes catch myself and have to remind myself that this isn't a bad dream. He is gone. I say a little prayer for him right now. I love you Michael.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Michael in 5-7-5 syllables
I turned on my phone.
The messages exploded
and upended life.
I never realized
how much I could truly miss
the sound of his laugh.
The room is silent
without his steady breathing
and his loud snoring.
The future holds an
uncertainty that offers
no quick solution.
His heart stopped beating
and my love wasn't enough
to keep him alive.
Plants and flowers grow
as testament to his green
thumb and nurturing.
The messages exploded
and upended life.
I never realized
how much I could truly miss
the sound of his laugh.
The room is silent
without his steady breathing
and his loud snoring.
The future holds an
uncertainty that offers
no quick solution.
His heart stopped beating
and my love wasn't enough
to keep him alive.
Plants and flowers grow
as testament to his green
thumb and nurturing.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Estate Closed -- And Paying Inheritance Taxes
This past week I met with my attorney and signed the final paperwork to close the estate and pay the estate taxes. It was a bittersweet moment signing my name and knowing that Michael really isn't coming back. The official legal aspect of his life is also over, which added a bit more closure to the process.
I also had to pay $1,900 in inheritance taxes. People wonder why gay and lesbian couples want marriage rights. Here is a perfect example. We spent nine years together, but our relationship wasn't legally recognized by the state of Indiana. I had to pay taxes on what I inherited from him, including half the value of the house, his IRA, and the few personal belongings he had. I basically say bullshit!! If my mom were to die, my dad wouldn't have to pay taxes on half the house or on his retirement benefits (and furthermore, she'd be entitled to his Social Security, which I'm not).
I am not going to focus though on the negative. Michael and I planned ahead and thankfully had our wills and owned the house as joint rights of survivorship. I have a beautiful home with a showcase backyard with an incredible garden as well as thousands of memories as testament of our nine years together. I am so grateful.
I also had to pay $1,900 in inheritance taxes. People wonder why gay and lesbian couples want marriage rights. Here is a perfect example. We spent nine years together, but our relationship wasn't legally recognized by the state of Indiana. I had to pay taxes on what I inherited from him, including half the value of the house, his IRA, and the few personal belongings he had. I basically say bullshit!! If my mom were to die, my dad wouldn't have to pay taxes on half the house or on his retirement benefits (and furthermore, she'd be entitled to his Social Security, which I'm not).
I am not going to focus though on the negative. Michael and I planned ahead and thankfully had our wills and owned the house as joint rights of survivorship. I have a beautiful home with a showcase backyard with an incredible garden as well as thousands of memories as testament of our nine years together. I am so grateful.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Feeling Lonely
Working through my grief, and my counselor, Patrick, says I'm doing well. I feel okay many days, but I still have bouts of loneliness. I come home at night and wish the world that Michael would be here to welcome me home. In those moments I yearn for some human companionship.
It's going on nine months (about 10 days) since he died. I've noticed that most people have really gone on with their lives. I understand that's the reality of life, but I also feel sometimes like I've been left behind, as if life has gone on without me, and I'm stuck going through the motions of work and paying bills but not really feeling like I'm completely alive.
In this amount of time since his death, I've discovered some truths about myself. I have changed since he died, and I'm not the same person I was when we were together. His death has opened my eyes about people and what's really important in my life. I don't mean to sound judgmental, but I see how people act and respond to things that happen in life, and I realize more than ever what kind of energy I need in my life (and what kind of energy I don't).
I also have seen that not all the friends of Michael and mine were really friends. I'm not surprised by this revelation. In fact, I'm actually quite glad to open my eyes and see who have been a constant in my life through the past nine months. I also am so grateful for the few friends (Matt, Chad, Kyle) that I've been able to grow with in this new chapter of my life.
Tonight I'm feeling a bit lonely. I know part of it has to do with being stressed out at work with a big project. I look forward to this weekend for some down time with myself and taking care of me.
It's going on nine months (about 10 days) since he died. I've noticed that most people have really gone on with their lives. I understand that's the reality of life, but I also feel sometimes like I've been left behind, as if life has gone on without me, and I'm stuck going through the motions of work and paying bills but not really feeling like I'm completely alive.
In this amount of time since his death, I've discovered some truths about myself. I have changed since he died, and I'm not the same person I was when we were together. His death has opened my eyes about people and what's really important in my life. I don't mean to sound judgmental, but I see how people act and respond to things that happen in life, and I realize more than ever what kind of energy I need in my life (and what kind of energy I don't).
I also have seen that not all the friends of Michael and mine were really friends. I'm not surprised by this revelation. In fact, I'm actually quite glad to open my eyes and see who have been a constant in my life through the past nine months. I also am so grateful for the few friends (Matt, Chad, Kyle) that I've been able to grow with in this new chapter of my life.
Tonight I'm feeling a bit lonely. I know part of it has to do with being stressed out at work with a big project. I look forward to this weekend for some down time with myself and taking care of me.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Donation Complete
Cleaning out the closets took me a bit longer than I had planned. I had underestimated just how many clothes Michael and I had. Secondly sorting through the clothing was an emotional chore. I ran into shirts and pants that were his favorites to wear. I realized that I would never see them on him again. I found shirts and pants and other items that we had bought on our many trips together over the years -- T-shirts and jeans from our many trips to Montreal, a pair of shoes from a quick trek to Chicago, a pair of pants from Miami, a jacket from P'town. Most items of clothing carried some small memory. I also found pieces of clothing that reminded me of special events in our nine years together. A shirt reminded me of one of our parties. A T-shirt brought back memories of working in the yard and another reminded me of bartending together at Fountain Square.
I'm so fortunate to have all those memories that each piece of clothing symbolizes. Although I decided to donate most of his clothes (okay, I did keep his favorite pair of jeans), a big part of him is still with me. Every time I remember a memory, a part of him is with me.
Today I donated a total of 47 pairs of pants (27 dress, 20 jeans), 63 short-sleeved shirts, 16 long-sleeved dress shirts, 50 T-shirts, 28 undershirts,
I'm so fortunate to have all those memories that each piece of clothing symbolizes. Although I decided to donate most of his clothes (okay, I did keep his favorite pair of jeans), a big part of him is still with me. Every time I remember a memory, a part of him is with me.
Today I donated a total of 47 pairs of pants (27 dress, 20 jeans), 63 short-sleeved shirts, 16 long-sleeved dress shirts, 50 T-shirts, 28 undershirts,
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Cleaning Out Closets
Part of the grief process is not only saying goodbye to Michael, the person, but also saying goodbye to many of his clothes and possessions. One good thing about being gay and being with someone somewhat close to my size was we were able to wear many of the same clothes (especially shirts). I spent some time before I went on the trip sorting out what clothes to donate and which ones I still wear.
Tonight I spent another couple hours going through short-sleeved and long-sleeved shirts as well as pants hanging in the closet. Several times tonight I've found a shirt he wore a lot. What was my reaction? I immediately put it up to my nose to see if I could still smell a part of him on it. Perhaps a bit odd, but I would do anything to be able to smell him again (besides of course seeing and touching him and hearing his laugh).
I still have three drawers and one line of hanging clothes to still go through. When I'm done, I'll put everything in garbage bags and donate them to Wheeler Mission. During our nine years, every couple years we'd come up with 4-5 full garbage bags of gently used clothes that we didn't wear anymore and donate them to Wheeler. I plan on making one final donation in his name with these clothes. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll be driving down Washington Street and see one of his shirts walk by me. He'd be glad knowing someone in need was getting some good use out of his clothes.
Tonight I spent another couple hours going through short-sleeved and long-sleeved shirts as well as pants hanging in the closet. Several times tonight I've found a shirt he wore a lot. What was my reaction? I immediately put it up to my nose to see if I could still smell a part of him on it. Perhaps a bit odd, but I would do anything to be able to smell him again (besides of course seeing and touching him and hearing his laugh).
I still have three drawers and one line of hanging clothes to still go through. When I'm done, I'll put everything in garbage bags and donate them to Wheeler Mission. During our nine years, every couple years we'd come up with 4-5 full garbage bags of gently used clothes that we didn't wear anymore and donate them to Wheeler. I plan on making one final donation in his name with these clothes. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll be driving down Washington Street and see one of his shirts walk by me. He'd be glad knowing someone in need was getting some good use out of his clothes.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Light a Candle
Michael and I had planned a trip to London this spring, and I'm on the trip now. London is a beautiful city, and I am having a wonderful time. I have thought of him often during this trip, and wished he was by my side seeing the sights. Thursday I went to Westminster Abbey and lit a candle in memory of him. It was just a small gesture, but I said a little prayer for him and thanked God for allowing us to have nine years together.
Today was a perfect London Saturday afternoon. After having a late breakfast at a cool neighborhood restaurant, Tim and met up with Phen and walked through the National Portrait Gallery. We then walked outside and enjoyed feeling the warm sun. We went to a couple pubs, had a couple pints, and watched the hot men parade by. Tim and I took the tube and got off at South Kensington and while riding up the elevator, I saw my Facebook friend Larry riding down the elevator. He saw me at the same time, so we rounded back down and chatted for 15 minutes and arranged to meet up tonight. Tim and I stopped at a cupcake store and had a tasty afternoon snack. We then walked back through several lovely London neighborhoods back home.
I think often of Michael and know he is with me on this trip.
Today was a perfect London Saturday afternoon. After having a late breakfast at a cool neighborhood restaurant, Tim and met up with Phen and walked through the National Portrait Gallery. We then walked outside and enjoyed feeling the warm sun. We went to a couple pubs, had a couple pints, and watched the hot men parade by. Tim and I took the tube and got off at South Kensington and while riding up the elevator, I saw my Facebook friend Larry riding down the elevator. He saw me at the same time, so we rounded back down and chatted for 15 minutes and arranged to meet up tonight. Tim and I stopped at a cupcake store and had a tasty afternoon snack. We then walked back through several lovely London neighborhoods back home.
I think often of Michael and know he is with me on this trip.
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